Weekly Rumination8

I was at one of those hipster cafes recently– you know the kind with absurd items on the menu. This one had something called Vegan Egg Nog Latte. I’ll let that sink into your noggin for a sec. So what’s in this stuff? Basically, coffee with tofu eggs, nutmeg, and fairy dust? And that’s why I don’t drink coffee. Latte, espresso, cappuccino? Oh, please, I don’t have the strength or enough brain for that.

In my house heated Nestle’s Quik fills the bill; unless we have company, then Miss Swiss Miss gets invited to the table. I could be an adult and drink Pero or Postum, but I’m not suicidal. But then I visited a friend who turned me on to something that can’t be bought in the usual shops. At least not at WalMart. She gets this stuff south of the border where it’s compacted into a cake-like mold, and you have to get a spoon to break off a wedge. I love to bring the spoon to my nose and sniff. The powder gets all over, but no mind, because it’s divine. Mexican cocoa, the browner the better. A choco fiesta.

Sadly, most restaurants don’t serve Mexican Cocoa, so I tend to order ginger ale, primarily because it’s a tad more sophisticated than 7-Up. No child I know ever asks to drink a ginger ale, so I order it in the hopes that it will make me a grown-up. Plus, ginger ale has the added effect that it looks like I’m imbibing in something stronger without any negative side effects. And that’s why I don’t drink hard liquor. Ginger ale, and if I’m feeling daring, birch beer, allows me to enjoy my evening looking like the other grown-ups in the room, with the added bonus that I can drive myself home any time I want.

It’s always good to have an escape plan, since whenever I’m at a decent restaurant or party, I can’t seem to get away from people yammering on about wine. There’s red, white, blue, 50 shades of gray; it goes on and on. I understand the obsession, ‘cuz Mormons can be just as snooty about fruit punch. Take Kool-Aid. Please, because you’d only serve that to college kids or people who don’t know any better. You might bring Crystal Light to a party thrown by a neighbor you don’t know that well and don’t want to get to know. But the crème de la crème, the primo punch, the stuff you haul out when you want to impress someone, like your boss, or your newly adopted turtle, is Hawaiian Punch. Red Hawaiian Punch in particular.

For wherever two or more Mormons are gathered together with Red Hawaiian Punch, you’ve got a party. Throw in some Mexican Cocoa and vanilla ice cream, and, oh, brothers and sisters, you’ve got a riot! Good times.

~ Emery Lamb